Saturday, June 25, 2011

~*You've Earned It Kid!*~

When your life is blessed with children one of the givens are tears...they happen; we all know it.  From boo-boos, to bullies, to saying goodbye there will be tears involved along the way.  

When you are blessed with children that come have a traumatic past those tears can come from a different place than most children.  Those tears can come from a place that lies deep inside where fear rules.  

While our little sunshine has come a ~LONG~ way in the nearly 2 yrs he's been here he still can get stuck in that place of fear.  Anything can trigger it really and we know most of those triggers, however, I was surprised at the latest incident...yet when I really think about it I understand the connection.  


Yet, when you have attachment, PTSD and anxiety issues you lack the self-esteem to truly revel in that joy.  He quickly retreated from the celebration because he lacked the self-esteem to believe he deserved to be the ~winners circle~.  In a way he was punishing himself.

I truly hesitate and mull over these types of posts.  They are the nitty-gritty of our life, a skeleton in the closet so to speak.  We don't like to flash our children's insecurities for the world to see, yet, as with other very personal information sometimes it blesses too many folks to not post it.
Moments after realizing the reason for his fears I was able to help him process his feelings....but this is what RAD looks like at hits height.  

The hunched back means at that moment he had no self-esteem.  It breaks my heart when he retreats to this place of fear.  

If I ever tell you that he can't do something, go somewhere, see a certain movie, or go with you to a certain place this is why.  I get to pick up the pieces and kiss and hug the fear out of him.  It is an exhausting job sometimes and I am not complaining...merely asking folks to be considerate because more oft then not they are not very educated regarding emotional special needs.  

 Sunshine, I love you and I am SOOO proud of you!  You have worked so hard to learn to read, to do 1st grade math, to excel the way you do.  You have worked so hard to control your fear and not let it control you.  

Kid, you've earned being in the winners circle!  
Revel in it!
Enjoy it!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

~*Wimpy Wimpy Wimpy*~

I saw my dear friend the Dentist today.  He drilled, lasered, removed bone, ground more bone, etc.  I don't know which is worse the nerve wracking mind numbing vibration of the drill or the smell of burnt flesh from the courtesy the laser.  

Toothbrushes by Petr Kratochvil

The entire time he kept telling that he was proud of me, that I was doing so good, that I was handling it so well.  What an encouragement to hear those words while under such stress and seriously feeling like a wimp!  I prayed, counted ceiling tiles, sang in my head all the while I nearly lost my lunch from all the grinding.  I felt so wimpy in that chair today.  For nearly 4 months I was numbed up and had oral surgery 2x+ a month, I thought I was a pro at it....but you start removing bone and I crumble. 

I spoke those words to a friend of mine afterward who was recently diagnosed with cancer and weeks later had her knee replaced.  Talk about being under stress.  She's held it together for 2 months now and been a HUGE encouragement to so many others while undergoing her own trials and today she crumbled and decided it was healthy for her to call a time-out and mourn.  She'll pick herself back up soon and brush herself off and push on because she's got inner strength like I can only hope for....if I were in her spot I'd be wimpy wimpy wimpy.  

I'm sucking on tea bags right now to get the bleeding to stop.  Brushing back a few tears for my friends going through many trials and dark roads right now and feeling very grateful that oral surgery is as much a load as I have right now.  I've been down the dark road and don't miss it but what I can cleave to is the Lord.  

Faith doesn't make me weak it gives me strength.....HE gives me strength when I feel wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!  

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


 Have you ever met someone you find difficult to love?  I certainly have; either their personality conflicts with mine and we bump heads over various subjects or they do something that disappoints me to the point that I question their integrity.  

When it comes to loving others we have the greatest example to live up to in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Yet, I routinely fail to live up to that example.  I can only imagine how difficult it is for the Lord God to love me.  

Photo Credit: caroline steinhauer

A few years back I experienced God's love in a moment of overwhelming emotion.  Today I experienced something similar when I was overcome  with love for someone I have struggled to love for several years.  It was a humbling moment to be so overwhelmed I just wanted to run off and hug this person and tell this person how much I cared about them. 
While that didn't happen due to logistical challenges, I do cling to the lessons I have learned through this experience.  

1) Time

It takes time to learn about another person.  It takes time to get through their fences, through their walls, around their insecurities to get down to the person they are.  

2) Ch-Ch-Changes!

We need to do the changing not them.  
If we continue in the attitude that they must change we are missing half the lesson.  We cannot change anyone nor can we expect them to change.  We need to look within to see what planks we need to address in ourselves.  As we address our own issues we will be surprised to see that our attitude towards this person improves and they begin to change as well.

3) Change your focus

 When you change your focus from their faults to your own you begin to see them in a whole new light.  Finally begin to look for common interests, little things you can do to bring them a smile, go out of your comfort zone to show them respect and love.  It might not be enjoyable at first but as your opinion and expectations for them changes you develop this sweet little feeling inside for them called love.